


If Only

by nathen-millers (TheBoxer)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Arranged Marriage, F/M, Mutual Pining, no war/everyone lives
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-19
Updated: 2016-02-21
Packaged: 2018-05-07 00:32:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5436743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBoxer/pseuds/nathen-millers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Love doesn't come quickly, it takes them a while. </p><p>Snapshots into the first year of marriage of Lily and James</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. June

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my one shot that got really long so I've decided to put it in chapters instead. Each chapter will be a different month in the first year of James and Lily's marriage. I have most of the chapters written so updates should be pretty quick.

 

“James Potter!” the ministry worker’s voice rang out as he handed Dumbledore the slip of paper, James knew that paper had one thing written on it, a single name, the name of his wife. And for a moment, everything is quiet. As if the rest of the seventh years were holding their breath just like he was.

Dumbledore stood at the front of the Great Hall, his hand still holding the piece of paper. James grasped Sirius’ arm, probably cutting off his circulation but James didn’t notice his friend’s winch of pain. James looked across the table to where Remus sat, he’s sure that his panic and nerves showed on his face because Remus offered him a small smile and nodded his head ever so slightly.

He saw the reaction of Dumbledore’s words before hearing them. Sirius let out a small chuckle and Remus’ smile slipped off his face. He’s pretty sure he heard Peter let out a sigh of relief. And it felt like every pair of eyes in the Great Hall was on him. All but one. 

James looked down the table, his eye passing over everyone else until he saw her. She wasn’t looking at him, or anyone for that matter. Her head was down and her red hair hid her face, but James could only imagine her reaction.  Mary MacDonald had an arm around her shoulders and Marlene McKinnon was sitting across from her, holding her hand.

Dumbledore’s words echoed in his head, “By order of the Ministry of Magic and the order of magic and marriage law, James Potter and Lily Evans are to be married by July 21st, 1978.”

*************

“It will be alright,” Remus said, “We all knew this was coming.” 

James didn’t reply, he just continued to look out the window at the green hills flying by, taking him away from Hogwarts and back into the real world.

“There’s a difference between knowing that we will all be matched up when we graduate and actually being matched up,” Sirius said angrily, “This is ridiculous, this law is ridiculous. Marrying a bunch of teenagers off to insure that children will be born? It’s insane, Moony, so don’t try and bullshit us.”

“I’m not trying to bullshit you, Padfoot,” Remus snapped, “I’m just trying to-“

“Trying to what?” Sirius challenged, “Trying to get us to see the bright side of this?”

At the sound of his friends arguing, James turned toward them. He didn’t particularly want to talk about this, he wanted to forgot, at least for a little while more. He wanted to pretend that he was just going for the summer, pretend that he wasn’t supposed to be married in just shy of two months to a girl who hated him.

“What’s so bad about that? It’s happening whether we like it or not,” Remus argued.

“At least you and Prongs are marrying someone you know,” Peter added, “I don’t even know Julia Haskins.”

“Yes, I’m sure that the three conversations I’ve had with McKinnon will only help make our marriage stronger,” Sirius said sarcastically.

“Peter has a point,” Remus said, “I’m sure Dorcas Meadowes will take my being a werewolf in stride, considering our one and only conversation was quite pleasant.”

James could see Sirius soften at the mention of Remus’ lycanthropy, “Are you sure you can’t try and hide it from her?” Sirius asked.

“Meadowes is a Ravenclaw, Padfoot,” Remus said, looking away from them, “She would figure it out. And I need to tell her, she deserves to hear it from me.”

“You have time to get to know her before you get married,” James pointed out, “You don’t have to be married until end of August.”

“I know, in a way, Peter and I are luckier than you two,” Remus replied, “Sirius has to be married by July, and you by, and what was it? The 21st of July?”

He nodded, “Mother is ecstatic, planning two weddings, she can’t wait to meet the lovely brides, as she calls them. She’s owled Lily three times now, all about dresses and guest lists.”

Sirius snorted, “McKinnon’s already told her that she doesn’t want a big wedding, just family and a few friends. I swear the only person more unhappy about this than me, is my darling bride.”

“How is Lily taking it?” Peter asked him, his eyes kind and worried

James shrugged, “Fine, I guess. We’ve only spoken directly about the wedding twice.” He paused before adding, “Lily and Marlene are coming to stay with us until the wedding. Mother insisted on it, claims that this way she’ll have time to get to know her daughter in laws.”

“Maybe that will be good,” Remus said, “You’ll have time to adjust to this together.”

James looked out the window, he longed for home and yet he didn’t want to go home, home meant this was real.  “Maybe,” he said softly, “Maybe.

********

“At least I look good,” Marlene said as Lily secured the veil into her friend’s blonde curls. Marlene ran her hands down the sides of her white, lace dress as she studied herself in the mirror.

“You look beautiful, Marly,” Lily said softly, meeting her friend’s blue eyes in the mirror, “The most beautiful bride I’ve ever seen.”

 

Marlene let out a watery laugh, her blue eyes filling with tears, “Well, that’s a high compliment, it feels that we’ve been to a wedding a week since school ended.”

Lily felt her own tears build in her eyes, “Don’t cry, please Marlene, it will be alright,” she tried to reassure her.

“It hardly feels real,” Marlene whispered, “It feels like a dream.”

“I know,” Lily said, taking Marlene’s hands and leading her to the sofa and sitting her down.

“Did James tell you? Fleamont and Euphemia brought us a house. Somehow, in all of this, I didn’t realize that we would have to live together,” Marlene said, a tear slipping down her cheek, “I’m so scared Lily.”

Lily grasped both of her friend’s hands into hers, “Listen to me, I know Sirius Black isn’t who you want, and I know you aren’t what he wants, but he would never force you to do anything you didn’t want to do. And if he did, all you would have to do is tell me and Alice and we would kill him for you.”

Marlene laughed again and dried her eyes, “You would really kill your soon to be husband’s best mate?”

At the mention of her future, Lily stiffened ever so slightly. She hide it by pulling Marlene into a hug, “You’re my best friend, Marly, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you.”

Marlene smiled sadly, “Is it terrible that I wish Mary was here? I know that it would hurt her to watch me marry but I just want her to see me in my wedding dress, I just want to see her.”

Lily tried to smile, but she’s sure it didn’t come out looking right. The door opened behind the sofa and Euphemia walked in. She was wearing a dark gold dress and her greying hair was pulled up into an elegant bun.

Lily stood up from where she was kneeling in front of the sofa and helped Marlene stand.

“Oh my, you girls look beautiful,” Euphemia said, she smiled widely at them. Euphemia’s smile was so like James’s.  It was the first thing Lily ever noticed about her future mother in law. She smiled back at her, it was easier to pretend to be happy with another person in the room.

Euphemia stepped deeper into the room, “Come here, Lily, let me get a closer look at you.”

Lily walked over, her hands skimming the tulle skirt of her sliver dress as she stood in front of Euphemia, waiting for her reaction. Euphemia brushed a stray piece of her hair that had fallen out of her braid back.

“You look beautiful, and I’m sure my son will agree,” she said, “Now, do mind leaving us for a minute, my dear? I wish to speak with Marlene before the ceremony.”

“It’s no problem,” Lily said before turning back to Marlene, trying to see her friends thoughts in her eyes, “I’ll see you out there, ok?”

Marlene gave her a bright smile and nodded.

Lily slipped out of the room and began walking toward to the stairs. As she was making her way to the back garden where all the other guests were waiting, she saw a figure by an open window, and by closer examination, she saw it was Remus.

Lily walked over to him, making sure her heals clicked loudly against the floor.

“Hi Remus,” she said softly as she reached him. He was wearing a muggle tux and he was smoking a cigarette.

“Hello Lily,” he responded before taking another drag.

They stood there for a minute before she asked hesitantly, “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine, why do you ask?” he said shortly, anger flashing on his face for a minute. 

“You just seem sad,” she said, “And I wanted to see if I could help.”

Any anger he had in his face faded away, “I’m fine, really Lily, I am. It’s just that, this feels like the end of something, and I don’t really want anything to end.”

“The end of what?” she questioned.

Remus smiled at her, but it didn’t reach his eyes. He looked down at her, “You look beautiful, and you’ll match James. Euphemia’s doing no doubt.”

“Remus, don’t try and change the subject.”

“Lily, really, everything is fine. I promise,” he reassured her. He put out his cigarette and offered his arm to her. “Now, why don’t I escort you downstairs? James is probably already down there.”

Lily took his arm and walked down into the garden with him.

*******

 _They’re being too obvious,_ James thought as he watched Sirius throw his arm around the back of Remus’ chair as they talked, Remus’ jaw was clenched and Sirius looked like he was about to start a fight at his own wedding. Peter met James’ eyes across the room and nodded slightly before making his way toward his friends.

 James sighed and switched to watching Marlene dance with her father, her smile still firmly in place after three hours. She looked beautiful though, even if there was a sadness to her eyes throughout the ceremony and the party. He turned his head to where Lily was sitting with Alice and Frank Longbottom. Her hair had fallen out of the braid and she kept brushing it back as she spoke with her friend.

“Why aren’t you asking Lily to dance?” his father asked him as he walked up to the bar and began pouring himself a drink.

James shrugged and turned his eyes away from her.

His father sighed, “James, you’re marrying her in less than three weeks, it would help if you would actually talk to the poor girl.”

“I do talk to her,” he snapped.

“Saying ‘pass the peas’ at dinner and discussing floral arrangements hardly counts as talking,” Father argued, “You’ve avoid her since you’ve come back from school, you and Sirius would disappear for hours and I’ve had enough. She deserves better than that. We raised you better than this James. I know this law isn’t popular among your generation but-“

“She hates me, Dad,” James cut in, “I tried to keep it from you and mom, but if you are going to yell at me for my actions, you should at least know why I’m acting this way.”

His dad was silent for a moment then asked, “Why would you say she hates you?”

He ran a hand through his hair and sighed, “She told me, in fifth year. And we haven’t exactly been close since.”

“Wasn’t she Head Girl?”

James nodded, “Yeah and we worked well together but that’s all we did. We weren’t friends and we never talked about ourselves or anything.”

His father sighed, “So your basis for that she hates you is that she told you two years ago and the fact that you were never friends.”

James looked down at his shoes, “I guess.”

“I still think you should go ask her to dance.”

His head shot up, “Did you not hear anything I just said?”

“Oh I heard it,” Dad said as he sipped on his drink, “However I don’t believe she hates you, I think she just doesn’t know you. And I think it would be nice if you made an attempt to get to know her before your wedding. Now go.”

James sighed and slowly made his way across the room to where Lily sat. He stood in front of the table and offered her his hand, “Would you like to dance?” he asked quietly. She looked up at him, her emerald green eyes wide, nodded and slipped her hand into his.

He felt Alice Longbottom’s eyes on him as he led Lily to the dance floor. He placed his other hand on her waist and she put hers on his shoulder as they began to move to the waltz music that his mother had picked.

“You look beautiful,” he said, “I’m not sure if I’ve told you yet, I’ve certainly thought it a few times tonight.”

Her cheeks color slightly from his words and her hand slipped down to his crooked bow tie, “Remus said we matched,” she said as she pulled on side of the bow tie to straight it.

James nodded, “Mum always likes to have couples to match, she does it with Dad all the time. “

Lily smiled at him as he moved them in a circle. She glanced over his right and her smile slipped. He turned them again to see what she was looking at, he saw Marlene now sitting with Sirius, both of them looking fairly miserable. And James suddenly felt very guilty and the thought occurred to him that it would be them sitting next to each looking miserable in three weeks. 

“I’m sorry, Lily,” the words slipped out before he could think too much of them.

Her eyes met his, “Why are you apologizing?”

“Because,” he paused, “because in a few weeks that will be us and I’m sorry that you’ll be unhappy and I’m sorry that you’ll probably hate me more after the wedding.”

She was just looked up him for a moment and James kept their slow waltz going.

“I don’t hate you, James,” she said suddenly, “I may not like you all the time, and I may disagree with some of your actions, but I don’t hate you.”

“Oh,” he whispered.

“I wish we could be friends,” she said hesitantly, “I know that we’re getting married but I feel like even after seven years at Hogwarts, I still barely know you.”

“I would like to be friends,” he said quickly, “I think that would make things easier, yeah?”

Lily smiled at him, “Yeah it would.”


	2. July

Lily stood in her bedroom at the Potter’s. She was in her dressing robe and she was staring at her wedding dress. The dress was beautiful, Euphemia certainly had an eye for dresses. It was a ball gown with a skirt of tulle and the bodice was satin that crisscrossed around with beading at the sweetheart neckline.

It was early, too early to be up on her wedding day. Lily knew she should sleep but she didn’t think she could, not with the dress in the room with her. It was suffocating her, mocking her from where it hung against the closet. Lily rubbed her eyes, she needed space, she needed breathing room. She needed to be away from this goddamn dress.

Lily pulled her robe tighter around herself and left her room. She thought about going to find Alice’s room but then it stuck her that Frank would be in there with her and Lily didn’t need him to be a witness to her nerves and fears. 

She made her way down to the kitchen, hoping that the house elves wouldn’t be up quite yet. Lily pushed the door open to the kitchen and saw her soon to be husband sitting in his pajamas at the table.  Instead of making her presence known, she studied him.  In the three weeks since Sirius and Marlene’s wedding, he had made an effort to be friendly with her. She wouldn’t go as far to say they were friends, but they were getting there. James wasn’t what she expected him to be, she imagined him to be the arrogant, obnoxious teenager who had pestered her for years. In many ways, he had aged a great deal since they had left Hogwarts. He still laughed loudly and often, still had his joking ways, but he seemed quieter than before, more subdued, he used to be such an open book at school. Everyone knew what James Potter was feeling, but now, it seemed like he took his heart off his sleeve.

Lily shook her head slightly, trying to clear her mind. She walked deeper into the kitchen and cleared her throat. James nearly jumped out of his seat at the sound.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” she said, laughing just a little.

“You didn’t scare me,” he said, sitting up taller.

“Oh so you meant to jump nearly three feet in the air?”

“Of course, Evans, I always mean everything I do.”

She smirked, “Sure, Potter.”

Lily began to make herself a cup of tea when he spoke again, “Am I allowed to see you? I mean, isn’t bad luck for the groom to see the bride on their wedding day?”

She shrugged, “I think as long as you don’t see me in my dress before the altar, I think we’re good.”

He grinned at her and Lily felt a warmth spread through her. And suddenly a thought that had been plaguing her came back.

“James?” she asked, “I have something to ask you.”

“Go for it.”

“Do you think we should kiss before the wedding?” she asked hesitantly, then quickly added, “Just to make sure that nothing embarrassing happens! There’s just so many people coming, your mother really went overboard on that one, by the way, and I don’t want our first kiss ever to be a complete disaster.”

“No, I think that’s a great idea,” he awkwardly cleared throat, “No teeth bumping or anything. So should we do it now?”

Lily nodded, “I think so, there really won’t be time later, my parents are coming at 11 and I have to get ready.”

“Oh, ok then.”

He stood up and walked over to where she was, he stopped about a foot away from her. She raised her eyebrows at him, “You’ll have to get closer than that.”

He rolled his eyes at her, “I know that, Evans, I have kissed people before.” He grabbed her hand and gently tugged her into his chest. She rested her hands on his shoulders and looked up at him. She expected him to be looking at her lips or something but instead he was looking into her eyes.

“You’re so bloody short, Evans, I have to practically get down on my knees to kiss you,” he complained, his eye glinting gold at her.

She was about to make a remark about him being too bloody tall when his lips caught hers. Whatever she was expecting from kissing James, this wasn’t it. He kissed her softly and slowly. Like he was afraid she would leave. She kissed him back, her hands moving up to his hair. She buried one in his messy hair and the other went to the back of his neck. She nibbled on his bottom lip which made him groan into her mouth and then he tightened his hold on her and slipped his tongue into her mouth. She moaned when his tongue met hers and she was so sure he was about to pin her against the wall when she heard someone clear their throat behind her.

Lily broke the kiss and stepped out James’ arms and turned to see Fleamont smiling, his eyebrows raised at them in question. She felt herself go redder than her hair. She heard James shifting behind her but she didn’t dare look at him. She needed to leave the room right now before she did something stupid, like kiss him again

“I have to go find Alice,” she mumbled and fled as quickly as she could. And tried very, very hard not to look back into the kitchen to see James’ face and what he thought of their kiss.

********

Lily watched in the mirror as Alice used her wand to pin her hair up. She nervously fiddled with her fingers in her lap.

“Nervous?” Alice said knowingly, her brown eyes sympathetic.

“Yes, is it that obvious?” she asked, she had hoped that perhaps she was hiding it rather well.

Alice laughed, “Only to those who know you well,” she reassured her.

“Oh thank god,” Lily muttered. Alice laughed again as she continued to charm Lily’s hair. They were both quiet for a while.

“Alice?”

“Yeah?”

“Did you love Frank right away?”

Alice smiled again, but this time it was softer, almost sad, “Do you want the truth or the lie that’ll make you feel better?”

“The truth.”

“No, when we got married last year, I wanted to dislike him,” she confessed, putting her wand down, “To prove that this law was ridiculous and made people unhappy. I did dislike him for a while, he wasn’t who I wanted at time.”

Lily turned toward her friend, “What changed?”

Alice’s smile changed, it was happier, “I guess me. He crept up on me, changed me for the better, made me a better person.”

“Oh,” Lily said softly, “I thought you weren’t supposed to change for some.”

Alice brushed some of Lily’s hair off her forehead, “Frank didn’t change me,” she said quietly, “Me falling in love did, love makes you a better person, it makes you be your best self. And that’s who I am with Frank.”

Lily didn’t respond, she frowned slightly at the ground, lost in thought.

“Lily?” Alice questioned. Lily glanced up at the older girl to see Alice watching her strangely.

“Yeah?”

“Do you love James?”

Lily looked down at her lap again, “No.”

“Do you want to love him?”

“I don’t know,” she confessed, “I don’t want to be miserable like Marlene and Sirius but I don’t know, I don’t know if I could love him. God, Alice, does that make me a terrible person?”

“It’s ok that you don’t know, I didn’t know if I could love Frank when I married him. You aren’t a terrible person for not knowing, you’re young, it’s ok,” Alice reassured her, and she clapped her hands together, “Now, let’s get you into your dress.”

As soon as Lily had her dress on, Marlene came into the room. She was wearing a dark blue dress and her blonde hair was up. 

“Oh Lily,” Marlene said softly, “You look gorgeous.” Marlene walked over and hugged her. 

Marlene pulled back and looked at her, “Are you alright? Euphemia wants to come in, but I distracted her so I could talk to you first in case you, you need some time alone before the ceremony. ”

Lily nodded, “I’m fine, you can send her in.”

Marlene’s eyes were sad, “You always were a much better Gryffindor than me, I fell apart every second on my wedding day and here you are, putting on a brave face.”

Lily tried to smile, but she could feel tears coming to the surface at the mention of falling apart. Alice must have noticed because she said, “We should go get Euphemia, Marlene.”

As soon as the two girls left, Lily felt her tears coming. She felt stupid to cry, she cried the night before the matching ceremony, she cried in the weeks after it too. She had been crying off and on every night in the safety of shower since she arrived at the Potter’s.  After Marlene’s wedding was the worst, everything became so real and so, so soon. Surely she must be cried out, there can’t be any tears left in her over the wedding that was minutes away from happening. Lily took a deep breath and began pulling herself together, the time for tears was over.

She heard a knock on the door, she called out, “Come in!”

Euphemia walked into the room. Unlike at Sirius and Marlene’s wedding, she was wearing a red dress and her dark, greying hair was down.

“Oh Lily,” she said, her hands clasping together, “You look beautiful.”

Lily smiled shyly, “Thank you, Euphemia, you look wonderful as well.”

She waved a hand at her, “Oh shush, dear. Come, let’s sit and have a chat.”

Lily carefully maneuvered her dress to sit on the floral sofa next to her mother in law. Euphemia smiled reassuringly.

“This must be so strange for you, as a muggleborn. I know in the muggle world there’s not a lot of arranged marriages, muggles often marry for love, is that right?”

“Yes, that’s right,” Lily responded.

“Yes, well, the magic world has always been a fan of arranged marriages,” Euphemia said, “For multiple reasons. Before the marriage law, families often made the matches, pureblood families tried to keep their bloodlines pure, at first. But then since there was so much inbreeding, arranged marriages become a way to keep people from marrying their cousins. It didn’t stop families like the Blacks and Malfoys though.”

Lily laughed softly at that and asked, “Were you and Fleamont an arranged marriage then?”

Euphemia nodded, “Yes, our fathers made the arrangement when we were both children. We had the opportunity to grow up together and learn to love each other before marriage,” she reached over and took Lily’s hand in hers, “I wish you and James had that chance. This law, despite the good intentions behind it, is flawed in that way, you don’t have a chance to truly know the person before you are married.”

Lily looked away from Euphemia’s eyes. “It’s been hard,” she finally said, “And my parents don’t understand why we have this law and it’s hard to explain it to them when I barely understand why myself.”

Euphemia patted her hand, “I know you don’t love him, and that’s ok, and I know you two have history. But I know my son, and I know he cares very deeply for you. I just want you to give him a chance, and perhaps, in time, you will care for him in the same way.”

Lily looked at her in surprise, “You think I could grow to love him?”

“I think you could grow to care for him,” Euphemia corrected, “Love is another matter, and entirely up to you.”

Euphemia stood up, “Now we should make our way down, it’s nearly time.”

As Lily stood up from the sofa, she asked, “Did you tell Marlene this as well?”

Euphemia shook her head, “No, my dear, I didn’t. I told her to take her happiness where ever she can, for Sirius will do the same.”

Lily simply nodded and smoothed her skirt and made her way to the door.

*********

Lily was drunk off her ass, James could tell. He figured she probably wouldn’t be dancing with Sirius if she wasn’t. He watched as Sirius led her into an over exaggerated form of a waltz, she was giggling like mad and Sirius was laughing loudly.

“You’re not drinking, Prongs?” Peter asked as he sat down at the empty seat to James’ left.

He shook his head, “Figured one of us should be sober enough to apparate to Godric’s Hollow.”

Peter snorted into his cup, “That would be the perfect end to a wedding, getting spliced and ending up at St. Mungo’s.”

James nodded, “Did you see McKinnon corner Remus?”

“Yup.”

“Sirius is gonna be pissed.”

“Yup.”

“I mean, for Merlin’s sake, we aren’t even supposed to know!” James exclaimed, “How in bloody fuck did she find out? They’ve been married for three weeks!”

“Sirius isn’t exactly subtle, plus they live together, she was bound to notice something eventually,” Peter pointed out.

“I guess,” he said, “I’m just worried, Pete.”

“I get it James,” Peter said, putting a hand on his shoulder, “But we can’t do anything about that situation.” Peter drank more of the firewhiskey then added, “Oh, so you never told me how Lily liked the house in Godric’s Hollow.”

James shrugged, “She liked it alright, didn’t really say anything to be honest,” he paused then added, “Which might be a good thing considering she’s always been very vocal about her displeasure.”

Peter was silent and James turned his attention back to the dance floor where Lily was now dancing with Frank Longbottom. A quick glance around the room showed that Sirius, Remus and Marlene were absent. James groaned internally, he really didn’t need this to happening at his wedding.

James was about to ask Peter if they should go looking for their friends when his father appeared behind Peter.

“Pete, why don’t you go dance with your fiancée and let me speak with James for a mo’?” his father posed his words as a question but Peter had been around Fleamont Potter to know it wasn’t a request. Peter nodded and said, “I’ll talk to you later, Prongs.”

James nodded at Peter as his Dad sat down in the empty seat Peter left.

“So,” Fleamont began, “I’m glad that your kiss at the ceremony wasn’t as, let’s say, enthusiastic as the one is the kitchen this morning.”

James felt his face warm and he ran a hand through his hair, “Dad, please, let’s not talk about this.”

His dad grinned, “And you said she hated you.”

“You don’t know the whole story,” James pointed out, “You don’t know what you saw.”

“So you weren’t about to rip the robe off my daughter in law this morning?”

“Oh for the love of Merlin, no! I wasn’t,” James exclaimed, his face getting hotter by the second.

Fleamont laughed, “I know your mother wants grandchildren but try to get settled in a job before you and Lily start popping them out.”

James stood up, his face was redder than his new wife’s hair, “I’m leaving, you crazy old man.”

James could still hear his father’s laughter as he made his way to Lily. He tapped Frank on the shoulder and asked, “Can I cut in?”

Frank smiled, “Sure thing man.”

James put a hand on Lily’s waist and moved to take her hand but she locked hers around his neck and leaned her head against his chest. James wrapped both of his arms around her waist and moved them slowly to the music.

“Are you tired, love?” he asked softly, his thumb rubbing small circles on her back.

“Only a little,” she said, “I didn’t sleep well last night.”

“Worried about the wedding?”

“The wedding night, actually.”

James looked down at her in shock. She was looking up at him, her eyes glazed over slightly still. She couldn’t honestly think that he would try to, that they would do _that_ tonight.

“Lily, you don’t honestly think that I would try anything, do you?” he questioned.

“Well I don’t know! I don’t know if you had any expectations of tonight, and well, we are married,” she said, lifting her head from his chest.

“Merlin Evans, fucking Sirius and Marlene are married and they didn’t bloody fuck on their wedding night!” James exclaimed.

“Potter.”

“What?” he asked confused.

She leaned her head back against his chest, “It’s not Evans anymore, it’s Potter.”

She’s tired and he doesn’t want to fight. While he tried not to be hurt that she thought he would try and fuck her, he let the subject drop and continued guiding them in slow circles around the dance floor.

*********

“C’mon, Lil, we’re here now,” James muttered to her as they walked up the path to their little cottage. She actually quite liked the little house, it reminded her of home, her childhood home in Cokeworth. It wasn’t anything like the Potter Manor, which she had grown to like in her time there, but she could never imagine living there or somewhere like it.

But in this little house in Godric’s Hollow, she could. She could paint in the living room and maybe get a cat. There was a small front yard but there was a large garden out back, which had been strangely important to James.

James unlocked the door with a wave of his wand and walked them both in.

“You should drink a hangover potion,” he told her as he helped her up the stairs, his hand on the small of her back, “Or you’ll feel like shit tomorrow.” She didn’t reply, just made her way to the bedroom. Fleamont and Sirius had moved all their things in the day before, so Lily was able to locate her pajamas in the dresser fairly easily.

“Lily?” he said, she turned around at the sound of his voice, he had taken off his suit jacket and was in the process of removing his tie.

“Mmm?”

“Did you hear me, love?”

She rolled her eyes, “Yes, I heard you. But to be perfectly honest, James, this dress has been driving me crazy for the last two hours and I’m a little anxious to get it off.”

Lily moved the tulle of skirt around, searching for the hidden pocket that contained her wand. Once she found it, she muttered a simple spell that released her hair from where it was tightly pinned against her head. She rubbed her scalp from where the bobby pins had been poking her for the past five hours. She then muttered another spell that undid the ties at the back of her dress. Lily moved to step out of the dress when James cleared his throat.

He was blushing and his hand seemed glued to his hair as he was running it through his hair again and again. Without meeting her eyes, he muttered, “I’ll go get you that potion.” He didn’t give her a chance to answer, he just fled their bedroom.

Lily stepped out of her dress and pulled on the cotton nightgown. She climbed into the bed and pulled the covers up to her chin. She suddenly felt cold and nervous and not nearly drunk enough to share a bed with James Potter. She heard his loud footsteps on the stairs, she looked up at the door when he entered.

He wordlessly handed her the potion and began unbutton his shirt. She knew she should look away, give him some form of privacy but she couldn’t look away. He was handsome, she had always known that about James Potter. He wasn’t handsome like Sirius was, where Sirius was smooth edges and prince like in his looks, James was not.

His face was more angular and his jaw more pronounced. His hair constantly looked messy, it never seemed to lay flat against his head. He was long limbed and too tall, he towered over her with her not even reaching his shoulder. His eyes were her favorite feature though, even when they were in school and she hated him, she still loved his eyes. They weren’t brown yet they weren’t quite hazel, when she looked at him, it seemed like they were a warm gold shining from behind his glasses.

She realized then that staring so blatantly at him might be making him uncomfortable. She broke her stare and uncapped the potion and drank it all in one go. Her nose screwing up at the taste, it was bitter and smelled awful.

“I’ll be down the hall, if you need anything,” James said, looking at her strangely.

“You’re not sleeping here?”

James shook his head, “No, I’ll sleep in the guestroom. I’ll move my stuff in there tomorrow.”

“Oh,” she said softly, “Well, goodnight.”

He smiled at her, “Goodnight.”

James closed the door when he left and Lily was left in the bedroom alone. She wondered if their conversation while dancing was the reason he was sleeping down the hall. She couldn’t pretend not to be relived, she wanted to be alone, in case the tears started to come.

She grabbed her wand and turned off the lights in the bedroom and snuggled deeper down in the covers and closed her eyes.

The bed was much larger than any bed she had slept in before, probably because it was meant for two people. The sheets were a dark red, reminding her of the four poster bed at Hogwarts. But where at Hogwarts and at her home, her bed always felt comfortable and warm, this bed despite it being well into July, in her new house with her new husband down the hall, felt cold.

Lily felt tears prick her eyes, she squeezed her eyes tightly shut and willed them not to fall. _Tomorrow will be better,_ she told herself, _everything looks better in the morning._


	3. August

“How’s married life treating you?” Alice asked James. He’s pretty sure she’s only talking to him out of politeness, Lily has disappeared with Marlene and Frank was apparently getting drinks at the bar but was roped into conversation with Peter’s mother.

James shrugged, “Fine, I suppose.” He glanced around the room, searching for someone, anyone, to rescue him from a conversation about his marriage with his wife’s best friend. Remus was dancing with his wife of two weeks. Peter and his new bride were stuck at their table talking with guests.

“You suppose?” Alice questioned him, her eyes suspicious.

“We haven’t spent a lot of time together,” James backpedaled, “Lily started her internship at St. Mungo’s and I’ve start Auror training, we’ve just been busy.”

Alice frowned at that and looked like she was going to argue when Sirius dropped into a chair next to her.

“Mrs. Longbottom! What a pleasant surprise!” Sirius said as he threw his arm around Alice’s shoulder, “It’s been ages! How is dear old Frank? Still kicking about?”

“Black, get your arm off of me,” Alice said, shaking her shoulders, “And for Merlin’s sake, stop acting like this at every bloody wedding!”

Sirius raised an eyebrow at her, “Acting like what? What am I acting like, James?” he asked innocently.

Before James could answer, Alice snapped, “You know what you’re doing.”

“So do you,” Sirius countered, “Interrogating Prongs about his marriage at a wedding, do you have no shame, Longbottom? Weddings are supposed to be a joyous occasion! Not spent talking about how his wife hates him!”

Alice whipped her attention back to James, “Are you fighting with her again?” she hissed, “Goddamn it, Potter, I thought you’d grown up, I thought you realized how big a prat you were to her! She doesn’t deserve this kind of shit.”

“I’m not fighting with her,” James protested, “I promise, Alice, besides, Lily would have told you if we were fighting.”

“Then why would Black say that?”

“Oh, Longbottom,” Sirius drawled, “I’m just kidding. This wedding is so bloody boring I was hoping you would challenge Prongs to a duel.”

Alice sighed and stood up, “You’re such an asshole, Black, you really, truly are.”

“Thanks darling!” Sirius called after her. He grinned at James and stole the drink James had left on the table and downed it in one go.

“Are you trying to get my wife’s best friend to hate me?” James demanded.

Sirius rolled his eyes, “For god’s sake, Prongs, stop being so mellow dramatic. Any chance of Longbottom liking you went out the window when McKinnon told her what happened at Remus’ wedding.”

James winched at the mention at the fight he and Lily had two weeks ago in a coat closet at Remus’ wedding.  The exact reason for the fight was unclear to James but Lily had screamed something fierce at him for not telling her he decided to move the start of his Auror training a few weeks early.

“I didn’t know Lily told anyone about the fight,” he admitted, looking away.

“She didn’t, we overheard you two screaming at each other.”

“I don’t understand why she was so pissed about me moving up my training,” James said, his annoyance coming back to him, “I started two and half weeks earlier, what’s the big fucking deal?”

“It wasn’t the auror training she was pissed about,” Marlene said as she dropped herself next to Sirius, carefully balancing a plate with a slice of cake on it and a wine glass in one hand, then added, “Well, she was pissed that you didn’t tell her but it was the fact that you flirted with Dorcas’s younger sister at the wedding that really pushed her over the edge.”

James blinked, “I didn’t flirt with Dorcas’ sister.”

Marlene smirked, “Sure, and Sirius and I are fucking.”

Sirius laughed at that and added, “C’mon, James, you flirting a little bit, you danced with her like six times.”

“She kept asking me!”

“And you could’ve said no or said you were going to dance with your wife,” Marlene added.

“Why didn’t Lily say anything?” James asked, holding his head in his hands, not looking at them.

“Probably because she was embarrassed,” Sirius said, stealing Marlene’s wine glass. Marlene nodded in agreement at his words, “Barely married a month and her husband already hitting on other women at weddings? Not mention all that talk about blood purity.”

James head shot up at that, “Blood purity talk?”

Marlene nodded, “Dorcas’ father went on a rampage against the marriage and magic law, and how it’s ruining pure bloods and the bloodlines.”

James scowled, “I didn’t know, she didn’t tell me.”

“Of course she didn’t tell you!” Marlene exclaimed, “It’s different for her, she wants to show everyone that it doesn’t bother her, that she can handle this alone.”

“She doesn’t need to, she has me,” James insisted.

Marlene scoffed and rolled her eyes, “Yeah sure she does.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You say you wanna be her friend, to get to know her, but you don’t actually do anything,” Marlene accused, “You may talk the talk, Potter, but you don’t walk the walk, you never have.”

James didn’t know what to say to that, finally he decided on, “You don’t know everything, McKinnon.”

Marlene met his eyes and said firmly, “Maybe I don’t, but I know enough.”

James stood up from the table and muttered, “I’m going out for a smoke.”

Sirius must have sensed he needed to be alone because he didn’t tag along with him. James was grateful for that, he didn’t need Sirius’ opinion on his marriage right now.

He found a door leading to the Pettigrew’s backyard. Even though it was late August, the air still chilled him just a bit. James dug around his pockets searching for a spare cigarette. Once he found one, he lit it with his wand and took a long drag. 

“I didn’t know you smoked,” a voice said behind him.

James turned slightly to see Lily stepping outside, wrapping her arms around herself.  Her red hair was tied up in a ponytail and she wore a green dress that matched her eyes almost perfectly.

“I’ve been trying to quit,” he confessed, removing the cigarette from his mouth, “I know you don’t like them.”

She raised her eyebrows in surprise, “How did you know that?”

He dropped the cigarette on the patio, stepping on it, “I heard you complaining about the smell in sixth year.”

“You’ve been trying to quit for two years?”

“Off and on, yeah. I figured maybe if I quit you might like me better.”

“Ever consider not being an arrogant ass?”

He let on a small chuckle and ran a hand through his hair, “Never occurred to me.”

They were silent for a minute. He scuffed his shoe against the patio, trying to find the words to say to her. She wasn’t acting like she was angry still, but she was distant, like she didn’t want him to get to close to her. And he wanted to slap himself for ever fighting with her in the first place, for flirting with that girl at Remus’ wedding. He stole a glance at her to see her rubbing up and down her arms. James slipped his jacket off and was putting it around her shoulders before he thought too much of it.

“Lily, I’m sorry,” he said hesitantly, “I’m sorry for not telling you about moving my training up, I’m sorry for flirting with that girl at Remus’ wedding, I’m sorry that you had to hear Dorcas’ father ranting about blood purity. And I’m sorry I’m such a bloody idiot and not noticing that this marriage has been hard on you too.”

Lily didn’t acknowledge his words for a long moment before she said softly, “You don’t have to apologize for flirting with that girl, we’re really only married in name only. I can’t blame you if you sought, um, _relations_ outside our marriage.”

“It’s not fair to you though, people talk and I don’t want to put you through unnecessary pain,” he responded.

Then a thought occurred to him, “Unless you want us to be able to have relations outside of our marriage.”

She coughed, “Um, no, the thought hadn’t occurred to me. But I thought, maybe, it had to you,” she looked up at him with her big green eyes, “I really wouldn’t mind, I block out enough shit people say.”

James clenched his jaw, “I’m not going to do that, Lily, I swear to you. I don’t care if we never do anything, I won’t have any dalliances.”

She huffed, “Don’t make promises you can’t keep, James.”

“I’m not,” he insisted, “I promise you, I wouldn’t break a promise, not to you.”

She looked surprised at his words, but she just nodded and said, “Ok, I’ll make the same promise to you.”

He nodded once before the silence fell over them again. After a few minutes, Lily said, “We should probably get back.”

“Yeah,” he agreed, he remembered something Marlene had said earlier, and he added, “Lily, you know, I am here for you, right? If anyone ever says or does something to you, I’m here, to talk to, or to help you dispose the body.”

That got a small laugh out of her, “I know that, James,” she sighed and pulled his jacket tighter around her body and added in a small voice, “I’m just not used to not having to do things alone, I guess.”

James swung his arm around her shoulders and began leading her back inside the Pettigrew’s house and said, “You’re not alone now, Lily, and you’ll never be alone again, not if I can help it.”

She leaned her head back and smiled at him, “Thanks James.”

He gently kissed her forehead and whispered, “Anytime love, anytime


	4. September

They fell into a routine fairly quickly.

Every day, James would get up before dawn and go to his training, and she would get up by eight and head to her internship. James would arrive home first and make dinner then she would come home by seven, eat whatever James had made, she would clean up the dishes and he would talk with her about his day or whatever he read in the Daily Prophet. Then they would usually retire to their separate bedrooms but occasionally they would play chess. Lily rather liked their chess games. No one but her father had ever given her for her money, but James did, a fact which amused him greatly. After a while of bickering who won more games, James had started keeping track and the list lived next to their chess set in the living room.

And their routine worked for them, it was reliable, safe. She always knew what to expect with James when they lived like this. And Lily suspected that James also took comfort in it too, that he knew what to say, what to do, how to act around her.

However, when evening in mid-September, when the summer air had finally cooled and the leaves started to fall, their routine changed.

 The day had started out the same, Lily had gotten up to an empty house and was making her typical cup of coffee with two sugars and one cream when she saw the note. She recognized James’ neat, precise letters almost immediately. It was only one line, ‘Doing drills tonight, won’t be back until late, I’ll see you tomorrow.’

Lily set the letter down, she felt odd. Why didn’t he tell her last night? It wasn’t like him to forget things, and ever since their fight at Remus’ wedding, he makes a point to tell her things about his training in advance. She frowned at the piece of paper on the counter as another thought occurred to her.

Maybe he was meeting someone, maybe he changed his mind about what he said at Peter’s wedding nearly a month ago. She shook her head and took a sip of her coffee, she was acting like a fool, it must have just slipped his mind. She was making a mountain out of a mole hill, like her mother used to say when she was young.

She tried her best to move about her day as if nothing had changed. Even though nothing really had, everything was the same. The head healer still frowned at every frowned at every small mistake she made, she and the other internes fought for the best shift rotations, she ate lunch with the same people. The only difference in her day was that James wasn’t going to be waiting for her when she got home.

Lily volunteered to stay a few extra hours at St. Mungo’s that night, not seeing a reason to head to an empty house. So instead of arriving at seven like normally, she arrived close to ten at night.

Their small cottage was dark and cold when she arrived home, the fall air chilled her to her bones. She unlocked the door with a wave of her wand and headed back to the kitchen to eat whatever leftovers they had. 

Even though she hadn’t lived there long, the cottage had felt like home to her. She suppose it had to, with all of her records, books, paintings and clothes here. She even brought muggle appliances for the kitchen as well. At first, she was nervous to bring her muggle things into their home, but James had been fascinated by whatever muggle things she had so eventually she picked up all her things from her parents’ house. She even went out and a brought a telly so she could watch her favorite tv shows. What surprised her most about living with James is that he had his own rather large collection of books too, a mixture of both muggle and wizard books alike that lived in small stacks all around the house. Of course, he had all his quidditch things as well, gear, signed balls, and other team gear. With his books and quidditch things also came the pictures.

She had learned in their two months of marriage that James loved photograph almost as much as quidditch. He took pictures of nearly everything, including her, much to her great displeasure. Pictures of nature, Hogwarts, his parents, Sirius, Remus, and Peter were all around their house. Even more surprisingly, pictures of Alice, Frank and Marlene started to appear as well, even one with her four roommates at Hogwarts appeared on their mantel. He also managed to get a picture from her Mum of her family from when she was young. However, in their whole house, there was only one of them together.

Lily found herself looking at it that night, the picture lived as the center piece of their mantel. It was taken at their wedding, she figured his parents or Sirius must have taken it of them, since those were the only people James trusted with his camera. In the picture, they were dancing, her arms were around his neck and his were wrapped around her waist, she was looking up at him, her lips were turned up slightly, like she was trying not to smile, and he was looking down at her, he was grinning and the dimple in his left cheek was showing.

They looked happy in the picture, she mused, like if someone didn’t know, they would say that the Lily and James in that photo were happy to be married. Lily didn’t know why, but looking at the photo tonight, made her feel terribly sad.

She put the picture back down on the mantel and sat down on the couch and turned on the telly. Even though it was late, she didn’t feel like going to bed, the house felt too empty without James there. Lily noticed that James had left a jumper on the back of the coach and without thinking about it, she pulled it on. The jumper was huge on her, it covered her hands and she could easily tuck her knees under it. It smelled like peppermint and smoke and something that must be James’ cologne. Lily leaned back against the couch and tried to pay attention to whatever was playing on the telly.

She must have drifted off to sleep because she woke to the front door opening and shutting. She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and called out softly, “James, is that you?”

“Yeah, sorry, did I wake you?” he said as entered the living room.

Lily shook her head, “No,” she lied as she turned off the telly, “I couldn’t sleep so I came down here.”

He walked around the coach and sat next to her, he ran a hand through his hair, his nervous tick, she noted.

“How was your training?” she asked, her body moving closer to his warmer one automatically.

“Long, tiring,” he muttered, his hand moved to rub his eyes, “I feel bruised, like I took to many bludgers to the stomach.”

She winched in sympathy, “I’m sorry,” she said softly, her hand moving to brush his hair off his forehead without her command, once she realized what she was doing she started to move her hand away but he caught it in his.

“How was your day?” he asked as he played with her fingers.

Her heart sped up as she watched him, she shrugged and struggled to keep her composure, “It was fine, I suppose, I stayed later tonight, so I got more hands on experience.”

James smiled at her and she felt like her heart might burst when she saw that dimple in his left cheek, “That’s good, Lil, I’m happy for you.”

“You look tired, James, and it’s late, we should both head to bed,” she said, pulling her hand out of his and made the move to stand.

He snaked an arm around her waist and pulled her back down to the cushions, “Are you wearing my jumper, Evans?” he asked her, his eyes amused.

She felt herself blush, “Well you shouldn’t leave your things lying about, Potter,” she responded primly.

He grinned at her again, “Looks better on you than it ever did on me anyway.” Which only made her blush harder but he didn’t seem to notice though.

James laid his head against her lap and stretched his long legs out, his feet dangling off the couch.

“What are you doing, Potter?” she asked amused.

He closed his eyes and turned his face toward her stomach and mumbled, “I’m just resting my eyes, Evans, give me a minute.”

She laughed softly and said, “Ok.” She carefully removed his glasses from his face so they didn’t poke her and put them on the end table. Her hand had found its way back into his hair, moving through the dark strands. She was really only going to give him a minute, but somehow, she felt her eyes close as well and soon they felt too heavy for her to open them.

Lily awoke in the morning with the sun shining brightly in through the windows. She blinked a couple times to get her eyes used to the bright light. She and James must have shifted in the night, because now she was lying on him, her head against his chest and his arm tightly wrapped around her and hers was thrown across his waist. She studied him in the morning light, his morning stubble was dark on his face, making him seem older than eighteen. His face looked peaceful in his sleep though. Lily buried her face into his chest and inhaled deeply, her eyes closing again. _Five more minutes,_ she thought to herself, _I can give myself five more minutes_. As soon as the thought crossed her mind, she was already half asleep.


	5. October

James was drunker than he had been in a long time. He hadn’t meant to get this drunk but Sirius kept handing him drink after drink, and he stupidly kept drinking them. Remus and Peter weren’t faring much better, which made James feel better. The bar they had found themselves in was surprisingly empty for Halloween night. But then again, James mused, perhaps it was because it was rather seedy.

“You know,” Sirius slurred, “This might be the last time the four of us are together ever again.”

James groaned, “Oh for merlin’s sake, Padfoot, for the last time, just because all of us had to get married does not mean we don’t get to hang out.”

Sirius shook his head and waved his arms around, “I know that,” he said irritably, “I’m talking about how Haskins wants a fucking kid.”

James was dumbfounded, he couldn’t form words, luckily, Remus didn’t seem to have that problem.

“What the bloody fuck? She can’t really want one now, does she?” Remus demanded.

Peter’s eyes were glued to the table, “She does,” he muttered, “She says she wants to be pregnant by the spring.”

James’ eyes widened, “Oh fuck, Wormtail.”

Peter nodded, he glanced up at them, “I don’t know what to do, I can’t be a dad! I can’t have a baby! But I can’t say no,” he said, panicked.

“Like hell you can’t say no!” Sirius exclaimed, “Just don’t fuck her! Problem solved.”

“Why don’t you just tell her to give you a few months?” Remus suggested, “To get adjusted to the idea and to get settled in your job and all.”

“I don’t know, this is the only thing she wants,” Peter said, his eyes darting around, “I can’t just say no.”

“You’re not saying no,” James protested, “You’re saying not yet.”

Sirius nodded, “Pete, you can’t be a dad, not yet,” he said gravely, “We’re young and stupid and can barely take care of ourselves, how could she expect you to take care of another person?”

Peter stood up suddenly, “I need to tell her now,” he announced, “I can’t wait another second, I can’t have a kid.”

Sirius raised his glass and said proudly, “Atta boy! Go tell that crazy bird off!”

“Peter, are you sure?” Remus asked, “Maybe you wanna do this when you aren’t wasted?”

Peter shook his head, “No fucking way, Moony, I have to do this before I lose my nerve.”

And with that, Peter headed for the door. James heard the familiar crack of him apparating. He groaned and left his head rest on the table. He couldn’t believe this was his life now, only a year ago he had been at Hogwarts, studying, dreaming of graduating and starting his training. He had always put aside the marriage law in his head, he tried not to think of it as he got closer and closer to graduation. He had thought he would be unhappy in his marriage, no matter who he married, and that he would find happiness in his work. But now, he was here, married and training to be an auror and any happiness he found was with Lily and her red hair and soft smiles and beautiful eyes. James groaned again.

“You alright, Prongs?” he heard Remus ask him.

“I don’t know,” he answered honestly, “Nothing is like I thought it would be.”

“Being married to Evans is that bad?” Sirius asked, poking at James’ arm, “C’mon, mate, you can tell us, I promise I won’t tell McKinnon anything.”

James looked up at them, “I always thought I would love being an auror and that I wouldn’t be happy at home, but now it’s the exact opposite. And I’m starting to feel things for Lily, things I haven’t felt since end of sixth year,” James confessed

Remus nearly dropped his glass and Sirius choked on his drink at his confession.

Remus spoke first, “The big thing you felt at sixth? The thing that you decided wasn’t the real thing? James, c’mon.”

“I think it’s real this time, Moony, I really do,” James insisted

Sirius reached across the table and yanked him up by his shoulders.

“Please tell me you aren’t falling in love with Evans, Prongs, please tell me you’re not falling down that rabbit hole again,” Sirius demanded.

James nodded and let his head drop onto the table again, “And I know! I know I’m bloody idiot.  She tolerates me now, and we’re friends, but I think I am.”

Remus sighed and rubbed his eyes, “James,” he started to say and James knew what he was going to say, he knew Remus was going to say to protect himself and not let himself love her, but James just can’t stop himself

“I know what you’re going to say,” James cut in, “But it’s different this time, I’m different, she’s different.”

Sirius sighed, “You’re pathetic, James, and drunk. So I think I’ll blame being drunk for you being all lovey about Evans.”

“Sirius,” Remus warned.

“He doesn’t really love her, Remus, he’s just drunk and lonely,” Sirius argued, “He’s been daydreaming about this great life with Evans to try and ignore the fact that he actually hates being an auror. And, I’m just gonna say it, he just wants to fuck her! And now he finally has a, granted very slim, chance.”

“You don’t get to tell him how he feels!” Remus exclaimed.

“Well someone should before he decides to go tell Evans!” Sirius countered.

“It doesn’t involve you, Sirius. Whatever James tells or doesn’t tell Lily is up to him, and you don’t have to like it!”

“Would you two please knock it out?” James finally cut in, “I’m not telling her that I might be falling in love with her, not until I know for sure.”

Both Remus and Sirius sighed in relief at that. 

“That’s a good decision, James,” Remus said, “I think that’s an excellent idea.”

“Thanks, Remus,” James said dryly, “You’re approval means a lot to me.”

James stood up from the table and tossed a few pounds on it, “I’m heading out, I told Lily I would be home by one. I’ll see you later.”

“James, look, we don’t have to talk about Evans,” Sirius started to say.

“Sirius, it’s fine, everything’s fine,” James said, “I just need to get home.” He shot both of them a small smile and a halfhearted wave as he walked toward the door of the bar. He wasn’t quite far enough of to not hear Remus’ voice, low and sturdy, “It’s an adjustment, Sirius, you aren’t the most important person in his life anymore.”

James didn’t know if he agreed or disagreed with Remus, as he headed to an ally to apperate home, he thought of the last few months.  Everything was different, and yet, it was eerily similar to life as head boy at Hogwarts. Not living with his friends, spending more time with Lily, trying to be a better person, to make his parents proud.

He apperated into the front lawn of the cottage and headed in. The downstairs was dark, James slipped off his shoes and made his way to the stairs. Once he reached the hallway, he saw a light on in Lily’s room, even though it was just after midnight. He wanted to see her, to talk to her. She always made him feel better, less like everything is falling apart at the seams. But at the same time, talking to her would make him want to do something stupid, like kiss her or tell her he was falling in love with her and didn’t want to stop. That he wished and wanted to be with her in every way he could, that he wished that she wasn’t so miserable being his wife.

James was going to walk away, he was going to go to his room and pass out on his bed and pray he wasn’t too hungover tomorrow. But somehow his feet brought him to her door and he knocked his softly and waited. He leaned against the doorframe and closed his eyes. He heard rustling behind the closed door then he felt the door open and heard her whisper, “James?”

He opened his eyes to see her wrapping her robe tighter and tying it at her waist, her red hair was in a side braid. She was looking up at him, her green eyes wide in concern. He must be a sight, his glasses are probably askew, his hair much messier than normal and his eyes were probably red from all the alcohol he had consumed that night. 

“Are you alright?” she asked, her hand coming up to brush some of his hair off his forehead and he leaned into her touch. He wanted this all the time, not just when he showed up at her door drunk. He realized she was probably still waiting on his answer so he shrugged and muttered, “I’m alright, Evans.”

That made her smile, like it always did. He think she likes him calling her ‘Evans.’ Even though it’s mostly out of habit than anything else, but he’s still glad to see her smiling at him, he would do anything for her to make her smile.

“Just wanted to see you,” he added, not thinking of the impact of his words on her.

And the effect is almost immediate, her smile died and her hand dropped from his hair, she awkwardly cleared her throat and casted her eyes downward.

“James, are you drunk?”

“Maybe,” he replied, desperate for her to smile again, “A little, Sirius was in top drinking form tonight and I simply had to join him or else he would have complained all night that we were all hard asses and stopped being fun the moment we graduated.”

She didn’t say anything to that, just watched him. He ran a hand through his hair and tried to think of a thing to say to her.

She beat him to it, “Do you wanna come in?”

He nodded and followed her into the bedroom. He hadn’t been in here since the wedding night, but much of it was the same. Lily had some books on the night stand and clothes lying on the chair by a bookshelf. Lily took off the robe she was wearing to revel a pair of cotton shorts and one of his old t shirts and sat on the bed, pulling the covers on her lap.

“Been nicking my clothes again, have you?” he asked, amused, “You know I still haven’t gotten that jumper back.”

She blushed slightly, “Stop leaving your clothes around the house and I’ll stop stealing them.”

James sat on the foot at the bed, she was looking at him now, well, she was more studying him. Finally she asked, “What’s bothering you?”

“Nothing,” was his automatic response.

“I don’t believe you,” she said simply, raising her eyebrows at him, “You can tell me stuff, James. I know I’m not Sirius but I’m quite a good listener, given the chance.”

“It’s just,” he started to say then stopped himself. He didn’t want to accidently say anything, he needed to think this through.

“Nothing is like I thought it would be,” he finally said, “I hate being an auror, I hate it. It’s awful, I’ve seen terrible stuff, Lily, the things people do to others, I can’t stand it, it makes me sick. And I’m only in the training, I can’t imagine doing this for another month, not to mention for the rest of my life.”

She nodded and patted the space next to her, he moved next to her and kept speaking, “But I can’t quit, my parents are so bloody proud that I’m doing this, that I’m making our world a better place. Not to mention I have no fucking clue what I would do if I wasn’t an auror.”

She took his hand and started rubbing small circles on the back of his hand with her thumb. And he felt his heart start beating so loudly, he’s certain she’s heard it. And the words that slip out next are accidental.

“And I can see that you are miserable, and I wish I could fix it. God, Lily, I wish I could make you happy,” he said desperately, “I want to make you happy so badly.”

“You think I’m unhappy?” she asked, her thumb stopping its movement.

“Well, you’ve just been so quiet this last month and I just thought,” he said, trailing off.

She smiled slightly at him, “I’m not unhappy, James. Not with you, at least. Being a healer is tiring and draining, and I’ve been worried about my parents, they’re getting old and I wish they would let me help them more.”

“Oh,” he said, dumbly.

She dropped his hand and gently pushed at his shoulder, “You think I wouldn’t tell you if I was unhappy? You know me better than that, James, you would be the first to know!”

He laughed softly and ran a hand through his hair.

“I’m sorry you dislike being an auror,” she said kindly, “But don’t worry about your parents, they’ll always be proud of you. You could do any job in the world and they would be proud.”

He looked down at the bed, not being able to meet her eyes, “I guess.”

“But if you really hate it, why don’t you look for other things? You’ve got the NEWTS for practically anything,” she pointed out, “And it’s not like we really need the money with me working and your parents would help us out if needed.”

He nodded and they both fell silent for a minute. Then he said, “I should go to bed. It’s late.”

She laid back against the pillows and said nonchalantly, “You can sleep in here tonight, if you like.”

He looked at her, his eyes wide but she didn’t meet his gaze, “Ok,” he said. He stood up and pulled off his jumper and dropped it on the floor before he stepped out of his trousers. Left in just his boxers and white undershirt, he pulled the covers back and climbed in. He took off his glasses and set them carefully on the night stand as Lily turned off the lights.

He expected her to turn on her side away from him but instead she moved to the middle of the bed and kissed his cheek before she moved up to her side, facing him. He mirrored her, his arm almost touching hers.

“Goodnight,” he murmured. 

“Goodnight,” she whispered back.

He closed his eyes and was almost asleep when he heard her say softly, “You do make me happy, James.”

He smiled sleepily at that and brought his arm around her waist and pulled her close to him. He kissed her forehead and said softly back, “You make me happy too, Lily.”


	6. November

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter has taken so long! I really had a hard time writing this chapter, mostly due to writers block but I think I'm finally getting over it so the next chapter shouldn't take nearly as long. As always, please comment and kudos, it means a lot!

November comes with its endless rain and dark days. While the days shorted Lily started the night shift at St. Mungo’s. James didn’t like it, complained that he saw her so rarely now. Lily waved him off, arguing that they often spent the weekends together when Sirius didn’t drag him out of the house for his self-expressed “best mate time.”

Lily found herself alone in the house more and more as November dragged on. James seemed to constantly be jetting off whenever she comes home, she tried not to let it bother her. She really did, but she can’t help herself, she liked spending time with him and with her new schedule and the fact that Sirius seemed to be around even more, the time she spent alone with him was far and few between.

So perhaps that was why Lily was slowly getting ready to go over to Dorcas and Remus’ house for dinner. Dorcas had practically twisted her arm to come, she had tried to beg off, but Dorcas was stubborn, “It’s just the wives,” she had said, “You have to come.” And Lily had reluctantly agreed to go to dinner on Friday night on the one night she and James both had free.

Lily was putting on her earrings when James came in and flopped against her bed. She was sitting at her vanity and watched him in the mirror

“Are you sure you have to go?” he whined.

Lily tried not to smile at his displeasure, “I’m sure, Dorcas would probably kill me if I tried to get out of it.”

“But we were supposed to have our chess final, we’ll finally know who the better chess player is!”

She rolled her eyes at him and reached for the silver necklace her parents gave her for her eighteenth birthday and teased, “I don’t have to play you to know that I’m the better chess player, James.”

She brushed her hair to the side and brought the clasp around her neck, she attempted to clasp it but she felt James’ warm hands cover hers and clasp the necklace into place. She met his eyes in the mirror again and he rested his hands on her shoulders.

“C’mon, Evans, Dorcas won’t care that much,” he said, his thumbs running across her collarbone.

“You’re a terrible liar, Potter,” she said amused, “She might never forgive me, if I don’t show up.”

She shook his hands off of her and stood up. “Besides,” she added, “Marlene would definitely kill me if I bailed on her.”

James followed her down the stairs and watched as she pulled on her coat, he wordlessly handed her gloves. She was surprised to see a crease form between his eyebrows and she wanted to reach over and smooth it but she pushed the feeling down.

“I’ll be back by ten,” she said, “And I’ll kick your ass at chess tomorrow, yeah?”

He smiled down at her, the dimple in his left cheek showing, “Have a good time, Lily,” he said, leaning down to kiss her cheek. She blushed slightly but was saved from saying anything by Sirius and Peter bursting through the door, shaking snow off their coats.

“You should really get going, Evans,” Sirius said as he swung an arm around James’ shoulder, “Meadowes hates it when people are late.”

Lily nodded before heading out the door and apperating once she was out the door.

She arrived at Dorcas and Remus’ house and knocked on the door. She heard Dorcas’ voice from inside before the door opened to revel Remus, who was looking mildly annoyed.

“Hey Lily, come in,” he said, barely looking at her before heading back into the house. Lily followed him in, she dropped her coat on the coat hanger and headed back toward the kitchen.

Once she saw the kitchen, she could see where Remus’ irritation was coming from. The small kitchen was a disaster and Dorcas stood in the middle of it, waving her wand in one hand and casting cooking spells and the other was stirring a pot on the stove. Her dark hair was falling out of her high pony tail and her clothes were covered in flour.

“Dora, let me help you,” Remus pleaded, “You were never the best at cooking charms.”

“Thanks for reminding me,” Dorcas snapped, “And I don’t need help, what I need is for you to get out of this house and leave me to my work.”

“Will you at least let Lily help?”

“Lily’s here?!” Dorcas exclaimed, “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I only just got here,” Lily cut in, “And I would be happy to help while you clean yourself up.”

Dorcas set her ladle down and brushed some of the flour off her pants, “Ok,” she muttered, “Let’s think about this.” She looked at Lily and then back at Remus.

“Ok,” she said again, “Here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to go get changed before Julia and Marlene get here. Lily, finish whatever you can and scrap the rest. Remus, I’ll allow you to clean up then get the hell out.”

Lily nodded and pulled out her wand and started looking into the many pots Dorcas had on the stove while Remus started cleaning the kitchen. Dorcas disappeared upstairs. And Lily was left with Remus. She hadn’t seen him much since he married Dorcas. He was at Peter’s wedding but Lily wasn’t in the best mood at the time.  Where Sirius seemed to practically live at her house, Remus rarely stopped by. In fact, he had barely been around the past two months, she knew James still saw him but it was always at pubs or other places.

“Why doesn’t Dorcas want you to help? she asked him after a few moments of silence.

Remus sighed heavily, “Dorcas doesn’t accept help easily. She wanted me out of here hours ago but I was only able to stay if I stayed out of the kitchen.”

“Why didn’t you leave?”

“I like this house, Lily, it would be a real shame if Dorcas burned it down.”

Lily laughed at that and checked the oven. The chicken wasn’t completely terrible but it was rather well done.  Dorcas came running down the stairs, her dark hair down and she was tugging up the zip of her dark red dress.

“Alright, everything looks great Lily,” she said, “Ok, Remus, beat it.”

Remus set the pot he was drying down and rolled his eyes, “I’m going, Dora. Don’t get your knickers in a twist. Lily, have a great time, I’ll catch you around.”

“See you!” Lily called to him as he left the house.

“Thanks for helping, Lily,” Dorcas said, “It really means a lot.”

“It’s really no trouble, Dorcas,” she said kindly, “I don’t mind at all.”

“Still, thank you.”

Lily nodded, “So can I ask what brought this on?”

“Oh, well, I just thought it would be nice,” Dorcas said as she pulled out dishes from a cupboard.

“Nice?” Lily repeated.

“Yes, well, they’re just such good friends, our husbands, and I thought it might be nice to get to know all of you,” Dorcas said, her dark eyes sad, “And I guess I’m just a little lonely, Remus and I, we get along, most of the time. But we don’t know each that well.  And I miss Hogwarts and my old school friends. And I thought maybe you might be feeling this way too.”

Both girls were silent as Dorcas began putting food in dishes and Lily continued cleaning the kitchen. Lily dried her hands on a towel and set her wand down on the counter.

“I have been feeling lonely too,” Lily finally said, “I try not to, but I’m alone so often in that house and I can’t help it. And they have each other, and I have friends but it’s not the same, it’s not like the way they have each other.”

She paused and then continued, “And, to be perfectly honest, this wasn’t how I imagined my life after school. It’s just been hard, I guess. And even though James and I were in the same house, and Heads together, we’re still getting to know each other. And I don’t know what the future holds for us, I don’t know what I want to happen with us.

Dorcas nodded sympathetically, “I understand, perhaps we should try to spend time together,” she suggested hesitantly, “After all, we’re the only ones who really understand how this feels.”

“I think we should,” Lily agreed with a smile.

Dorcas began setting the table when Marlene and Julia arrived. It was awkward at first. Lily didn’t really know Julia or Dorcas that well. But once Dorcas cracked the wine open, things relaxed. After dinner, which wasn’t as bad as Lily thought it would be after seeing the kitchen, they were all in the living room. Lily had kicked her heels off and had her legs curled under her.  They were chatting about work. Dorcas’ work at the Daily Prophet and Marlene’s work under the Minister of Magic. Lily talked a little about her training to be a healer and how different it was so from muggle medicine, Julia nodded at. Lily learned that Julia was also a muggleborn. Julia talked a little about her work at the nursey but said she wasn’t interested in staying much longer.

“I desperately want kids,” Julia said, setting her wine glass on the coffee table, “I’ve wanted them since I was little. It’s the one thing I looked forward to throughout the matching and the wedding planning. But Peter is so resistant to the idea.”

Marlene frowned and swirled her wine glass, “I’ve never thought Peter would be totally resistant to children.”

Julia nodded, her brown eyes wide, “I told him before the wedding that I wanted to try as soon as possible. And we are financially ready and I’m ready, and I’ve told him it can take a while to get pregnant and that he doesn’t have to be a very involved father if he doesn’t want to.”

 “Men will never be totally ready for children,” Dorcas told her, “And if you’re prepared to do it on your own, with little to no support from Peter, then just have a ton of unprotected sex with him.”

Julia blushed and looked down at the floor, “The problem with that plan, is that I haven’t even had sex with him, or anyone for that matter.”

Marlene nearly dropped her glass, “Really?”

Julia nodded as she blushed harder.

Marlene took a sip and looked thoughtful, “Well, you’ve only been married since end of August, and if you’re a virgin, and I’m pretty sure Peter is too, then I get it. I guess Sirius and I have one up on you.”

Lily looked at her shocked, “You’ve slept with Sirius?”

Marlene nodded, “We’ve only done it a few times, the first was at the end of September. We both had been with other people and just decided to see what it was like with each other. Wasn’t too bad, wasn’t anything special. I’ve certainly had better, I miss Ma-,“ Marlene cut herself off before she continued. Lily patted her leg, knowing what she was going to say and Marlene gave her a small smile.

“Remus and I only have slept together once,” Dorcas added not noticing Marlene’s sudden silence, “Shortly after our wedding, it was honestly a disaster. I don’t think either of us wants to repeat it, it was so awkward, and he tried, we both did but still,” she grimaced and took a sip of her wine, “But I think it was easier for us because it wasn’t either of our first times. And we both know we’ll never love each other.”

Both Marlene and Dorcas looked at Lily expectedly, waiting for her to add in her own story about her and James’ sex life.

Lily felt herself blush, probably harder than Julia, “I haven’t had sex with James,” she said finally.

“Really?” Marlene asked, shocked, “But don’t you share a bed?”

“Well, technically no,” Lily stuttered out, “We both have separate bedrooms, but sometimes, well now I guess most of the time, he just joins me in my bedroom.”

Seeing the three very shocked faces, Lily quickly added, “Mostly so we can see each other! I get back around four each morning and he leaves at six so it’s just easier for us to talk.”

A small smirk was starting to spread across Dorcas’ face, “I’m a little surprised, I would have thought for sure that all the sexual tension you and Potter had since sixth year would have released its self by now.”

“I’m not surprised,” Marlene said, a similar smirk forming on her own face, “If they were shagging, do you think Potter would ever let her out of his bed? He’s had a crush on her since third year, probably been waiting to shag her since fifth.”

Lily was sure her face was redder than her hair, “Oh shut it, you two. James and I aren’t like that, besides, James never really fancied me. He just liked annoying me.”

Julia snorted at that, “James Potter pinned after you for years, he only cooled it down and became a little more subtle in sixth year. C’mon, you had to notice.”

“I always thought it was a joke!” Lily insisted, “And it was! James is many things, but he’s not one to pine over girls.”

Dorcas stood up to pour herself another glass of wine, “Yeah, you’re right. He didn’t pine over girls, just one girl.”

Marlene and Julia both giggled at that and Lily groaned and dropped her head in her hands. Julia stopped her laughter and smiled apologetically at her.

“So what are you all doing for Christmas?” Julia asked, cutting into to both Marlene and Doras’ laughter.

As Dorcas jumped on that, complaining that her parents were making her and Remus come with them to France for three weeks. Julia nodded and added things about her and Peter’s own holiday plans. Lily tried to pay attention to the conversation at hand but she was lost in her own head. Thinking about her last two years at Hogwarts and James’ actions toward her.

He was a real prat in fifth year, obnoxious and arrogant, he would flirt with her mercilessly but rarely actually asked her out. Lily was sure it was a game he was playing, and after the incident with Snape at the lake, it only solidifying her feelings on it.  He had changed a lot in the summer after fifth year though, he made quidditch captain and stopped hexing students in corridors.  He also backed off with his flirtations toward her. Seventh year, when James was made head boy, she wasn’t surprised. She always knew he was a good leader, he had kept Sirius and the rest of them in line, or at least near the line, for years. And the younger student respected him, it was the same with the other houses, excluding most of the Slytherin house. And she had worked well with him, surprising most of the school, including herself. But he had grown and so had she. He was kind and funny and smart. Before Christmas break, she had even thought that maybe, _maybe_ , she might have the tiniest crush on him.

But then it was NEWTs and worrying about the matching and how she would explain everything to her parents. And what if she had to marry Avery or Yaxley or, god forbid, Severus? She couldn’t possible focus on something as stupid as her maybe-crush on James Potter when something as life changing as that was just a few months away. But now, near a year since the thought first crossed her mind?

Lily shook herself out of her thoughts and tried to listen to the other girls. And when the conversation finally slowed and the wine ceased being poured into glass after glass and Lily made her way home, she felt the thoughts roll around in her mind. The past few months being married to him, getting to know him better, falling asleep next to him more often than not, and how she very much wished he would kiss her again like in the kitchen at his house before the wedding.

And she decided maybe, just maybe, she might have a very large crush on James Potter.

**Author's Note:**

> Reviews give me life, so please leave them!


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